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Saturday, October 16, 2010

A Little Reality in all this Madness

I try to remain upbeat on the blog but I really need to vent this out. I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. For the last year or so I have been happy. The only way I have been able to do that though is to not face my true feelings deep inside about the baby stuff. I guess the “lack of” baby stuff. My mom called me to put on the pressure again which she likes to do from time to time. She likes to remind me that ”SHE” is so baby hungry. Although, in my opinion... how dare she say she is baby hungry, right? That is just NOT fair! Then I have to remember that my sister is married now and could possibly get pregnant too. How do I not have anxiety and fear about that? I have always had this idea in my mind that my baby would be that first grandchild- you know the one that’s spoiled and everyone is the most excited about. I am feeling that slip away from me slowly and it hurts. It hurts so badly when things don’t go as expected in life.

How do you not feel jealous and bitter when you read that blog. You know the one I am talking about. The one that ALL they can talk about is how being a mother defines them and is the best thing ever-and how perfect their lives are. I don’t mind the whole posting every once in a while (and I know it’s their whole life) but the CONSTANT posting about their perfect lives makes me want to stop blogging all together. Life is NOT perfect! That’s not reality-not for anyone! Maybe I am being a bit selfish right now…and bitter, I know-but it’s HARD! Seriously, hearing about the imperfections is sometimes refreshing. I am probably just being a little over sensitive today, so I apologize for my blunt nature.

For the last year I felt normal. I didn’t feel the constant pressure and I liked it. I didn’t count what day I was on for my cycle or take 500 pregnancy tests in the year, and constantly wonder if my boobs were maybe looking a little bigger, or maybe I felt a little nauseous for the day. Today I remembered…I remembered all those feelings and pressure and was reminded that I am not getting any younger. Jonny and I are coming up on our seven year anniversary and STILL have no baby in our home.

My mom was reminding me about my sister and her trials she went through before she passed away. She was younger then me and dealing with much more then I could ever handle. Before she passed away she told my mom that she saw a little glimpse into the preexistence. That she could see herself raising her hand and choosing what trial she was going to have in this life. She said we were all in what looked like a classroom setting, while the “teacher” up front would say a trial and those who could handle it raised their hand. I can’t imagine myself choosing this trial, but I know that I must have it for a reason. I guess it’s time to jump back into reality and try again, but it really scares me. I am scared to start trying because it means I am jumping back into that emotional pool of failure. My patriarchal blessing promises me I will be a mother in Zion. So I am going to hold onto that faith and pray to not feel that pain on a constant basis. SO please please pray for our little family to grow. I really do appreciate all the support and love through all of this. Sorry for the venting session, and I hope it didn’t come across wrong. I am taking that first step forward. This time I hope it works. Sooo...I set up my first doctors appointment-for a month out, so I can really get prepared this time emotionally. Here we go with round...who knows what!

8 comments:

karis stapley said...

Oh Brit! I'm so sorry!
At times, I've got to remind myself that the Lord promised us that "all these things shall work together for thy good". No trial he gives us is just to cause struggle. There is always a purpose behind the madness.
I'm sure you already realize this, but when people post so much about their kids & all these happy "moments", yes its true, it's because it does consume their lives, however, there is sooo much sweat & tears, worry, & concern behind all those smiling pictures you see in that "glimpse" of time that we never see shared.
My sister shared with me once, that you never really know what's going on behind closed doors. Bcz she had a friend of hers who's blog she read often & it portrayed all these happy moments, which, they were, I'm sure. However, her marriage was in crisis & she was getting a divorce.
The older I get & the more life goes on, I realize, everyone around you is carrying somesort of burden that no one else is aware of. And at different points in time of their lives with different intesities of trials.
I believe what I may go through now, will bless someones life later, by being a support to them in some way, unkown to me now.
Hindsight is great!

Tisha and Mark said...

Ok, so this week has been super tough for me...you want a "not so perfect" post....scroll to last week. Mckinley is driving me batty, I feel like a horrible mother, faithless, selfish...you name it. Brit...you are an amazing lady and I am so glad that you were so open about your trials. I just like to remember that if we were all asked to choose different ones, we would pick the ones we have because they are the most comfortable. Here is to a better day, week, year :) XOXO

karis stapley said...

PS. I want to add that in no way am I trying to talk you out of your feelings or make it "feel" better for you because I know those feelings are very real for you & tough to deal with.
I realize part of the reason as to why it's not our place to judge others is because we really don't know all the in's & outs of someones life & the trials they are facing. There is almost always so much more going on in peoples lives than whats at face value.
You are one of the sweetest girls I know Brit! The Lord knows your heart & He will bless you!
Stay strong girl! :)

Heather B said...

I really appreciate people's openness and honesty on their blogs (that's why I try to do the same) because people blogging and acting like things are so ooey-gooey perfect, DRIVES ME NUTS!! I know what you mean. I have to say that it breaks my heart that so many wonderful people like you are having to struggle with infertility right now. I think it has to be one of the hardest trials there is to have-- how confusing, after all, you are commanded to multiply and replenish and then not be able to? I'm not doubting God, but you're right. HARD HARD HARD! I can't hear a talk in church or a lesson in relief society anymore without thinking about those who just want to have a baby more than anything. And I think that's totally valid to feel sad and disappointed that you might not have the first grandchild (which you're right, is definitely super spoiled and special. I always wished we'd had the first one too, on either side!) But anyway, I love what your sister said before she passed away about choosing our trials (p.s. I didn't even know you had a sister that passed away- tell me about her later!) but I think she is right, although sometimes it's hard to believe. In our RS lesson last week someone said that when we agreed to come to earth and struggle, we saw it as just a blip in eternity, you know, like, 2 hours of heavenly time that we'd be gone, and of course we said, I can endure that! I can endure anything for 2 hours! And then we get here and it feels like FOR-EV-ER! I think it's okay to feel sad and to grieve, just no matter what, don't turn bitter. Read Trust in the Lord by Richard G Scott when you're feeling lots of questioning...but other than that, we will pray and fast that maybe this time it will work. Love you guys! Also, I love all your goals!!!

Andrea said...

I am so sorry. I do have two children, but have struggled with infertility for 5 years and I know in a small way I can relate with how you are feeling. Knowing that I signed up for this, knowing that Heavenly Father knew I could handle it, knowing that it will all go away someday in this life or the next...well, it helps but it doesn't take it away. We live in a baby culture and its hard to be constantly surrounded by it. I love that you were honest on your blog...I think there are probably so many girls out there who will read this and take some comfort in knowing they aren't the only ones feeling this way.
I'd love to chat anytime!!

Suni said...

I am so sorry, life is so hard sometimes. I will be praying for you!!

Jenn said...

Hey Britt..I couldn't sleep so I started browsing the internet and I remembered you said you had posted on your blog. I just want you to know how amazing you are and how strong you have been with all the trials you have been given. You have had to deal with so much already and it's so hard to keep going day after day with a smile but you do. I know we are in different situations now but you know I am always here for you and always willing to give a listening ear. You don't know how much you have changed my life and the lives around you with your goodness and love. You are truly my best friend and I couldn't have got through these past 3 years that I have known you without you in my life. I know I was meant to meet you and we were supposed to help each other as hard as it has been. You have always been a shoulder for me to cry on and willing to do whatever you need to help and I am so grateful to you for that. I know the Lord has a plan for each of us...as hard as it is to see now things will work how they are meant to. I hate that you have to suffer right now and I hate that this has to be one of the trials because it was so hard for me to accept myself...if I even have. I wish I could take your hurt away and the pressure and the emotional pain you are going through...but all I can do is be here for you and love you and I will always be here. "You are a daughter a child of God..be strong and remember who you are" :) you know I always have to get a song in. haha love ya forever bestie you are the most wonderful ever. Jenn Jenn

Jessica Padilla Muro said...

Hey Brit! Hope you're feeling better since this post. At times its very hard to understand but Heavenly father truly does have a plan for us all. I am sure the day will come when you'll be a mother. No ones life is perfect...mine is far from it. So when you read those blogs keep in mind that we tend to only write about the happy moments and not the moments that make us cry. =)